Do I really like her?
I met a wonderful woman. I am a Christian, and as such, that is a requirement for any women I pursue a relationship with. She is, and actually significantly more mature than me in that regard. Enough about that though.
My problem is that I don’t know that I am interested in her. I met her online, we sent emails for about 2 months, met in person, and I was immediatly smitten with her. I literally thought I had found the one for me. Then she started raising concerns that my interest in her was based only on the fact that she was so interested in me. I can kind of understand that too. I am not very physically affectionate. All we ever did was hug when the night was over. We took walks, watched movies, and every time I would labor in my mind over reaching out and holding her hand or bringing her close to me and just sitting close to each other during the movie. It got to the point where the last few times we have been together I was thinking about it every moment I was with her. I was thinking about it so much that it really interfered with me being able to enjoy her company, and I think it really turned her away. Believe me, I wanted to touch her in those ways. It’s just that it’s all new stuff to me, so I psyched myself out of it horribly. I am way to self-conscious. I think what happened is that I labored over it so much in my mind, that I was just anxious around her and stopped enjoying being with her. Coupling that with her doubts that I was only interested in her as a reaction to her feelings towards me, I now don’t know if I like her. I had zero doubt that I did early on. I didn’t doubt me feelings at all until she raised her concerns. Now I just don’t know what I feel. Add to this the fact that she was raped during the time we were emailing each other. She told me about it two days after we met in person. That only makes the situation more complicated, and my feelings towards her more ambiguous. What part of my caring for her is out of a sense of pity and obligation to protect a woman in danger? I think very little. We decided to end the relationship and it mostly her decision. She just didnt’ think that I like her nearly as much as she liked me. Again, I understand her concern. I did a horrible job of showing I cared for her. That’s a small part of the reason I was hesitant to touch her. I didn’t know if me touching her in even the smallest way would totally freak her out(due to the rape). Dealing with the rape is a big issue still for her. Maybe she just needs time, possibly lots of it to heal from that, without burdening herself a relationship that she believes is one-sided. I don’t think it is. I mean, I think about her constantly, and I think how wonderful it would be to be with her the rest of my life. I also have moments when I wonder if I like her romantically at all. Pretty much, the whole situation is a ridiculous mess. LIfe is messier than I ever could have imagines. Any thoughts?
September 28th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
One more thing…
She is CERTAIN we aren’t a good match for each other, though she did acknowledge that she has really strong feelings for me. She just didn’t feel that through my actions, or more appropriatly, inactions that I felt the same way. That wasn’t just physical though. I guess in everyway I didn’t show much affection. I didn’t send her flowers, tell her she was beautiful, or any of the standard stuff like that. It felt like it would be too cliched. And we were only "official" for a month. Any thoughts anyone?
September 28th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
A lot of guys worry about doing the same old tired romantic gestures as every other guy, but trust me, all women want to feel special and loved, and hearing that you are beautiful/appreciated/wonderful or getting sweet gifts like flowers never gets old!! I can understand why you feel the way you do, but that isn’t going to ease a woman’s mind when she gets no indications that you really like her and want to be with her. Whatever the reason, women just aren’t going to be happy with a guy who isn’t affectionate, complimentary, and consistent in telling and showing her that he cares. I don’t really think that’s the real issue here…if I were you, I’d be most concerned about the fact that you were having such a hard time wrestling with your uncertainty/anxiety that kept you almost paralyzed when it came to small gestures like holding her hand. This particular woman/relationship aside, your anxiety and self consciousness when it comes to making a move on someone you like sound pretty severe and seem to be a major obstacle toward you developing the kind of relationship you want and deserve. I can see why this woman would feel skeptical of your interest since you had such a tough time showing her you liked her…if I was you, I’d focus my attention and energy for the time being on yourself. Anytime feelings of doubt and self-consciousness get in the way of what you want in life, it’s important to make sure you work on these issues so they stop preventing you from feeling confident and self-assured around others. I think you could probably benefit significantly from seeking some sort of counseling or therapy and trying to get a handle on whatever is making you so nervous about demonstrating affection toward those you care about.
September 28th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
my instincts initially when reading this post were that you just aren’t attracted to her. If you have to "think" through all of it so much it moe than likely isn’t there…the actions should come automatically.
After thinking about it more, I do believe that her being raped has alot to do with your inaction…yes you don’t want to hurt her or scare her…but a part of you might also be thinking of her as damaged goods…not that you WANT to be thinking that, but subconsciously you can’t help it…
The fact that she feels you aren’t right for each other is very telling…plus she is probably not even ready for any type of relationship and certainly senses your hesitation…
I think you need to move on and search again for Mrs. Right…everything about this says to me that she isn’t her….the timing is wrong…
September 28th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
After thinking about it more, I do believe that her being raped has alot to do with your inaction…yes you don’t want to hurt her or scare her…but a part of you might also be thinking of her as damaged goods…not that you WANT to be thinking that, but subconsciously you can’t help it…
The fact that she feels you aren’t right for each other is very telling…plus she is probably not even ready for any type of relationship and certainly senses your hesitation…
I think you need to move on and search again for Mrs. Right…everything about this says to me that she isn’t her….the timing is wrong…
One thing I know is that it’s not about her being damaged goods. I only care about that in as much as I know it still torments her. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that and I am sure that’s not the reason I am afraid to do anything. To put it simply, I am extremely shy. I have always been, at least physically. It has more to do with that than anything about her. This is also the first time I have dated anyone so that also adds to the shy factor.
I’m beginning to think i was also oblivious to the fact that I was taking her affection for granted. I thought it was obvious that I was interested, so I didn’t try to make it more obvious through other actions.